Autumn Leaves

I went outside to breath the cool air of Autumn.

I rake the beautiful leaves and ponder what life will bring.

I am feeling stronger then I have in a long time. I feel in more control of my life. I need only to plot a course. To find a passion. To find what will make me content.

I miss my old life and know that truly it will always be a part of me. Everything has led to me being the person I am today. I miss her but have learned to embrace who I am now.

Now to try to look at the endless possibilities.

Starting Anew

Well - I have made it through the week. There are still more difficult days ahead - but I made it through this week. The sadness is still here. The loneliness never leaves. But now I am making the pledge to try and look ahead.

There has to be more to life then how I am living it right now. I need to make a plan. To find a goal, an objective, a new passion. Something new to create purpose in my life.

So what is is going to be. That is hard - since I had what I dreamed of since I was a little girl - a husband, love, a home, and happiness is now gone.

What will my new dream look like?

To SRN with Love

The first days of October lead to the birthday and death of my husband. Only one full day separates them. The celebration of when you arrive and the agony of when you leave.

I want to say in this entry, to SRN, my love, I cannot believe that it has been three years. How can the days go by so fast and so slow at the same time. My heart breaks every day you are not here. I miss you so much.

SRN - you were my best friend.

You were smart and funny and could be a real pain in the ass - especially when you put your mind to it.

You loved me with all my flaws and did not want me to change who I am. With you, from day 1 I felt like I could be myself when I was with you.

We had fun together.

I miss hanging out with you - sitting on the counter in the kitchen just talking to you.

I miss cooking dinner for us.

I miss watching tv with you.

I miss going on vacation with you and watching you walk for ever on the beach - exploring nature and just enjoying the sunshine.

I miss you complaining about yard work and how everytime you had to cut the lawn it took longer and longer even though our property line did not move.

I miss you complaining about the snow when winter came and blaming me for being here (even though both are families live here and you would have never survived with out them around you every day)

I miss your smiles and your hugs.

I miss when you would tell me you loved me.

I miss everything about our life together. The one where we were suppose live happily ever after and grow old together.

These coming days will be hard. From now until the New Year the calendar is full of birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. Each one is bittersweet with memories of the past.

I know I will see you again my love. I believe in the continuity of life. I feel you around me and know when I need them you show me signs. I know this and believe this.

What We Believe In

Thought I heard you call my name

And I whispered on the wind

And I remember you were going,

Never coming back again

But if love is what we believe in

I'll see you in heaven's first bright star

If seeing is believing

I look into the skies and there you are

You're not that far

'Cause love is what we believe in

Looking through some photographs

From not so long ago

Right now, I'd give anything

If I had only known

I would never touch you, hold you

Or kiss your face

Feel your arms around me

Or fall in your embrace

But if love is what we believe in

I'll see you in heaven's first bright star

If seeing is believing

I look into the skies and there you are

You're not that far

'Cause love is what we believe in

Now love will break your heart

When you say goodbye

But love is worth the pain

And all tears you cry

And if seeing is believing

I look into the skies and there you are

You're not that far

'Cause love is what we believe in

And you are in my heart

And our love is what I believe in.

lyrics are by Tom Douglas and Jim Brickman - Arrangements are by Jim Brickman

- song can be found on Jim Brickman's CD Destiny

A song that I found that really hits home.

Complicated?

I read an article in the NY Times that talked about grief and how the pain never goes away. They wrote about complicated grief - and in reading the article I could see myself in the description. They are adding the condition to the American Psychiatric Association's handbook for diagnosing medical disorders.

Everyone thinks that after a certain period of time that everything is OK and you move on - I think it is a coping mechanism for people so they don't have to think of there own mortality.

In the article it stated that complicated grief is an acute form persisting more than six months, at least six months after a death. Life has no meaning - no joy - its sadness - guilt - thoughts of death - negative emotions. At almost three years, I can tell you that there are times when I still feel these feelings. I think the time frame of saying you should be over grieving in six months is wrong.

At six months many of us are still in a fog - forcing yourself out of bed and trying to do anything resembling a normal activity. The day is long when you become an actor to make the others around you feel OK.

People need to be able to get help with dealing with loss. I know that counseling has been a big help in my life. But to put a time frame on a feeling is wrong. Do I think I am going to get better? I hope so. Do you think I will ever stop grieving? No - I know I never will.

Dark Days Ahead

I always loved the change of seasons, especially the change to Autumn with its beautiful changing leaves and the crisp feel in the air.

These are the days leading up to the 3rd year that my husband passed. Now this time of year is so much more about a time of reflection. A reflection of where I was.

The past is so bittersweet. To think of never making a new memory again is hard. To re-live all the days before the last - trying to find one more thing that I may have forgot. A laugh, a hug, anything. Right now the sadness can be overwhelming. Generally, the anticipation to the actual day is harder then the day itself.

I have been trying hard to discover what a new dream should be. It has me stumped. I think and pray hard to know what direction my life should take and it still is not clear. So for now I continue to live days as they come. I know that I will get through this time. I have learned that I am a survivor. I am stronger then anyone else or even myself would have believed. I just wish it was easier.

First Time

Well - this is it. The first time I actually post. I have been wanting to do this for some time.

A little about myself. I am in my mid 40's and lost my spouse suddenly almost three years ago. Life turns on a dime. You think you have everything planned out. The long happy life and growing old together and then in an instant it is gone.

It has been hard. Right now I have no clear cut road. How do you find a new path in your life when your dream growing up was to find love and be married to that person.

Many people believe you go through the seasons of grief - autumn, winter, spring, summer and magically the sadness should be gone and you should be better and moving on with your life. It is not as simple as that for some of us.

These past years I have been doing a lot of soul searching - looking for answers - looking for a direction - looking for hope.

I hope to find a future. I hope to find happiness. I hope to find peace.

Namaste~