Complicated?

I read an article in the NY Times that talked about grief and how the pain never goes away. They wrote about complicated grief - and in reading the article I could see myself in the description. They are adding the condition to the American Psychiatric Association's handbook for diagnosing medical disorders.

Everyone thinks that after a certain period of time that everything is OK and you move on - I think it is a coping mechanism for people so they don't have to think of there own mortality.

In the article it stated that complicated grief is an acute form persisting more than six months, at least six months after a death. Life has no meaning - no joy - its sadness - guilt - thoughts of death - negative emotions. At almost three years, I can tell you that there are times when I still feel these feelings. I think the time frame of saying you should be over grieving in six months is wrong.

At six months many of us are still in a fog - forcing yourself out of bed and trying to do anything resembling a normal activity. The day is long when you become an actor to make the others around you feel OK.

People need to be able to get help with dealing with loss. I know that counseling has been a big help in my life. But to put a time frame on a feeling is wrong. Do I think I am going to get better? I hope so. Do you think I will ever stop grieving? No - I know I never will.

Dark Days Ahead

I always loved the change of seasons, especially the change to Autumn with its beautiful changing leaves and the crisp feel in the air.

These are the days leading up to the 3rd year that my husband passed. Now this time of year is so much more about a time of reflection. A reflection of where I was.

The past is so bittersweet. To think of never making a new memory again is hard. To re-live all the days before the last - trying to find one more thing that I may have forgot. A laugh, a hug, anything. Right now the sadness can be overwhelming. Generally, the anticipation to the actual day is harder then the day itself.

I have been trying hard to discover what a new dream should be. It has me stumped. I think and pray hard to know what direction my life should take and it still is not clear. So for now I continue to live days as they come. I know that I will get through this time. I have learned that I am a survivor. I am stronger then anyone else or even myself would have believed. I just wish it was easier.

First Time

Well - this is it. The first time I actually post. I have been wanting to do this for some time.

A little about myself. I am in my mid 40's and lost my spouse suddenly almost three years ago. Life turns on a dime. You think you have everything planned out. The long happy life and growing old together and then in an instant it is gone.

It has been hard. Right now I have no clear cut road. How do you find a new path in your life when your dream growing up was to find love and be married to that person.

Many people believe you go through the seasons of grief - autumn, winter, spring, summer and magically the sadness should be gone and you should be better and moving on with your life. It is not as simple as that for some of us.

These past years I have been doing a lot of soul searching - looking for answers - looking for a direction - looking for hope.

I hope to find a future. I hope to find happiness. I hope to find peace.

Namaste~