Autumn Leaves

I went outside to breath the cool air of Autumn.

I rake the beautiful leaves and ponder what life will bring.

I am feeling stronger then I have in a long time. I feel in more control of my life. I need only to plot a course. To find a passion. To find what will make me content.

I miss my old life and know that truly it will always be a part of me. Everything has led to me being the person I am today. I miss her but have learned to embrace who I am now.

Now to try to look at the endless possibilities.

Starting Anew

Well - I have made it through the week. There are still more difficult days ahead - but I made it through this week. The sadness is still here. The loneliness never leaves. But now I am making the pledge to try and look ahead.

There has to be more to life then how I am living it right now. I need to make a plan. To find a goal, an objective, a new passion. Something new to create purpose in my life.

So what is is going to be. That is hard - since I had what I dreamed of since I was a little girl - a husband, love, a home, and happiness is now gone.

What will my new dream look like?

To SRN with Love

The first days of October lead to the birthday and death of my husband. Only one full day separates them. The celebration of when you arrive and the agony of when you leave.

I want to say in this entry, to SRN, my love, I cannot believe that it has been three years. How can the days go by so fast and so slow at the same time. My heart breaks every day you are not here. I miss you so much.

SRN - you were my best friend.

You were smart and funny and could be a real pain in the ass - especially when you put your mind to it.

You loved me with all my flaws and did not want me to change who I am. With you, from day 1 I felt like I could be myself when I was with you.

We had fun together.

I miss hanging out with you - sitting on the counter in the kitchen just talking to you.

I miss cooking dinner for us.

I miss watching tv with you.

I miss going on vacation with you and watching you walk for ever on the beach - exploring nature and just enjoying the sunshine.

I miss you complaining about yard work and how everytime you had to cut the lawn it took longer and longer even though our property line did not move.

I miss you complaining about the snow when winter came and blaming me for being here (even though both are families live here and you would have never survived with out them around you every day)

I miss your smiles and your hugs.

I miss when you would tell me you loved me.

I miss everything about our life together. The one where we were suppose live happily ever after and grow old together.

These coming days will be hard. From now until the New Year the calendar is full of birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. Each one is bittersweet with memories of the past.

I know I will see you again my love. I believe in the continuity of life. I feel you around me and know when I need them you show me signs. I know this and believe this.

What We Believe In

Thought I heard you call my name

And I whispered on the wind

And I remember you were going,

Never coming back again

But if love is what we believe in

I'll see you in heaven's first bright star

If seeing is believing

I look into the skies and there you are

You're not that far

'Cause love is what we believe in

Looking through some photographs

From not so long ago

Right now, I'd give anything

If I had only known

I would never touch you, hold you

Or kiss your face

Feel your arms around me

Or fall in your embrace

But if love is what we believe in

I'll see you in heaven's first bright star

If seeing is believing

I look into the skies and there you are

You're not that far

'Cause love is what we believe in

Now love will break your heart

When you say goodbye

But love is worth the pain

And all tears you cry

And if seeing is believing

I look into the skies and there you are

You're not that far

'Cause love is what we believe in

And you are in my heart

And our love is what I believe in.

lyrics are by Tom Douglas and Jim Brickman - Arrangements are by Jim Brickman

- song can be found on Jim Brickman's CD Destiny

A song that I found that really hits home.